Finding the Secret

A few nights ago, I had a recurring dream about being in my grandmother’s house and finding a door that opened up a whole other world. The rooms, filled with bustling people and mysterious relics, went on forever. As I stood there observing everything happening around me–not quite sure how to take it all in–I wondered if the people in these hidden rooms could see me. It wasn’t clear. But I had the feeling that I had just stumbled upon something very special and important. A secret that no one else knew about.

It made sense that this dream followed a period in which I struggled to understand why so many exciting things were happening to people all around me (while trying so hard to ignore the inner voice that kept saying “what-about-me?”). Since breakdowns tend to precede breakthroughs, it was no surprise that my “brake-down” moment occurred in my doctor’s office, triggered by his question, “So do you want children someday?” (Ah, those of us in our mid 30s know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of that question.) As I stumbled and fumbled to come up with a coherent answer for my doctor, the tears started to flow. I was sad because I truly did not know. And I was scared because instead of having a “plan” like everyone else seemed to have, I had decided to go with the flow long ago.

I left the doctor’s office and went directly to the yoga studio where I told my “truth” to my students. They applauded. The next day, something led me to look up the vision board Elena Brower and Erica Jago created for their book, Art of Attention. In it, there is an email from Erica to Elena in which she says, “Because of [my] recent separation, I am a bit lost” to which Elena responds, “Please let [that] email be the last time you say you feel lost. Say instead that today, a feeling of being lost is passing through my body. Tomorrow there will be another feeling.”

And there it was. An understanding that each one of us has a journey that is unique and special. The knowledge that what we feel today will not last forever. The appreciation that my own journey is valuable simply because the path is not clear…the path that leads to the doorway of my dreams.

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